New Wife Not Working As Roommate


NEW YORK — Ashley and Marcus Brown sought counseling for their latest marital anxiety. “She’s my soul mate, but she puts a virtually empty carton of milk back in the fridge,” Marcus said raising his voice to the couple’s marriage counselor.

The couple’s troubles started just before the move in. Several of Marcus’ bachelor pad essentials never made it to the front door. A Fight Club poster that once hung proudly over an unused fireplace now laid in the dumpster in the alley of the couple’s new home. Meanwhile all of Ashley’s personal effects not only made it to the new apartment but take up most of the space.

“We started having problems pretty early on,” Ashley explained. The couple had their first fight over dishes. “He puts dirty dishes in the fridge,” Ashley screamed. She then swung the fridge door open revealing bowls of half eaten spaghetti, and plates of tacos with two bites left. Marcus’ disgusting behavior can only be matched by Ashley’s negligent actions. “She never takes out the trash. She just keeps carefully piling it until it’s twice the size of the can! Once a week I have to dismantle a garbage sculpture” Marcus yelled.

Another disagreement the newlyweds have is over the best resting temperature. Ashley apparently changes the thermostat every hour and a half. “How is she always cold?” Marcus asks their counselor. “He takes showers longer than an episode of Scandal and he doesn’t flush, ever” Ashley shot back. “She never tells me what she wants me to do in person. I curse her heart every time I read one of her post its,” Marcus mutters under his breath.

Whether it’s a passive aggressive note or hair clogging up the drain, this couple has an exciting new adventure as newlyweds and roommates. They’re also very thrilled about their first baby on the way. “I’m sure everything will be fine once the baby gets here,” Marcus sighs. “We have two cats so I think we can handle it” Ashley laughs cheerfully.

Josh Johnson’s last girlfriend had no idea they were dating.

Image by Dan Goorevitch