New Mom Not That Into New Kid

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CHICAGO — Last week, Kim Jeffries-Stevens of Lakeview gave birth to her first child Conor Taylor Maxim Jeffries-Stevens. Yesterday, after a full week with her newborn son, Jeffries-Stevens decided she wasn’t that into it.

“I don’t know. It’s just like, no one said he’d be so needy,” stated Jeffries-Stevens. “I thought I’d be one of those moms with the weird sarong things and the recycled plastic bottles and nipple pads and stuff and be all ethereal and shit. But I’m not. Like at all.”

While Jeffries-Stevens baby shower was a smashing success, particularly as she was the only mother in her pre-natal yoga class to gain less than ten pounds during the pregnancy, life post-birth has been far less glamorous.

“We’ve only been out once this week,” said Jeffries-Stevens. “And it was only to Trader Joe’s for a case of coconut water. Have you ever taken a baby to a grocery store or like anywhere? It literally took 45 minutes just to get us into the car, then he shit himself as soon as we got there before going into a 17-minute crying jag. I haven’t gotten that many dirty looks since I kissed the Kappa Kappa Gamma president’s BF during a Liquor and Lingerie party. Oh my god that was ten years ago.” Jeffries-Stevens then slipped into a depression-induced trance.

When asked his thoughts on the situation, Jeffries-Stevens’ husband Paul stated, “It was her idea,” before going to the kitchen for his fourth beer.

The Jeffries-Stevenseses will be conducting nanny interviews this week. Their requirements: “Female. Non-felon. Breathing.”