New Hampshire Republicans Correctly Identify Loudest, Richest Candidate


CONCORD, N.H. — A plurality of Republican voters in yesterday’s New Hampshire primary correctly identified Donald Trump as the loudest and richest presidential candidate, with John Kasich and Ted Cruz representing the most popular incorrect choices.

“Honestly, he should have gotten 100%. I don’t know what those other voters were thinking,” said Trump supporter Barb Schutz. “I guess you could argue about who is the loudest–Cruz has that harsh, nasal voice that makes him sound louder than he actually is–but the richest? Come on. Trump’s, like, a billionaire or trillionaire or something.” 

“This country needs a president like Trump who is loud enough to make Congress do what he wants to do, and rich enough to ignore what they want to do,” Schutz continued. “That’s the only way things will get done in Washington.”

Brookline resident Trey Skillings shook Trump’s hand at a September rally in Nashua.

“For me, it was game over when Trump showed up at the Iowa State Fair in his own helicopter,” explained Skillings. “Wow, what an entrance! That’s the kind of thing that shows the world who’s boss. I bet it’ll take Putin down a few pegs when our commander in chief starts traveling in a private aircraft!”

Skillings expressed confidence that Trump’s “world-class” combination of volume and wealth will enable him to be an “amazingly dominant” candidate in the general election. “Bernie’s pretty loud, but it almost seems like he’s proud of not being rich, which makes no sense. As for Hillary, Trump will talk right over her like he did that blonde bimbo on Fox. He knows exactly how to put mouthy females in their place.”

“Boy, what I wouldn’t give to be that guy for one day,” Skillings added. “He’s the greatest example ever of the American Dream.”  

At press time, Ben Carson was observed dining alone at an Applebee’s in Greenville, South Carolina.

Eric Stassen wants to be a billionaire, so fuckin’ bad.

Image by Michael Vadon.