Nephew’s Existence To Be Acknowledged With Gift Card


PEORIA, Ill. — While buying beer last night at the Walgreens on Knoxville Avenue, delivery driver Michael Palley, 43, noticed the row of holiday gift cards next to the register and realized he should purchase one for his nephew Dustin. 

“The line was really slow, and I was thinking about how weird it’ll be to see Frank again,” said Palley, referring to his estranged younger brother, “when I suddenly remembered he has a son who must be, what, 10 now? Funny how the years go by.”

“I don’t know the first thing about the kid, to be totally honest,” Palley added. “But I do know that he exists, and if he’s there at my mom’s on Christmas day I’d better have something ready to hand him.”

Based on his lack of familiarity with Dustin’s interests, Palley selected a J.C. Penney gift card in order to give his nephew a wide range of buying options.    

“Plus, if he isn’t there–and I have no idea what Frank’s custody situation might be–I can use it myself,” Palley explained. “My girlfriend’s been bugging me to buy some new underwear anyway.”

At press time, Frank Palley was purchasing gift cards at Target for his son and stepdaughter. 

Eric Stassen has memorized the names and approximate ages of over a dozen members of his extended family. 

Image by tookapic.