WASHINGTON– Shortly after the House of Representatives approved the GOP’s healthcare bill on Thursday, legislators confirmed that insurers operating under its parameters would not cover the nation’s anger-induced aneurysms.
“The GOP’s proposed replacement for Obamacare not only leaves millions uninsured for the foreseeable future,” said public health expert Atul Gawande, “it also prevents us from receiving care for all of the blood vessels that are spontaneously exploding.”
This development threatens the existence of the Affordable Care Act, which since its passage has provided coverage for those bleeding from the brain due to moral outrage. Instead of government subsidized policies, the bill would offer tax credits to individuals up to $14,000, under the condition their head is not oozing in disgust. Under the GOP bill, people suffering from these cerebral ruptures would be tacked with larger premiums.
“It is only fair that those with blood-leaking brains assume a greater proportion of the risk,” said Representative Chris Collins (R-NY).
The bill also promises to reverse Medicaid expansion in many states, which covered millions of low and middle-income Americans who have already suffered severe cerebral hemorrhaging. Medical experts predict that anyone with a basic moral conscience will be affected.
Many medical experts and healthcare providers, such as the American Cancer Society, joined in opposing the bill, warning that the number of people erupting into a righteous fury would strain the country’s healthcare infrastructure.
“This is a great stride towards a healthcare system that doesn’t bleed Americans dry,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “If you bleed, you’re not a real American.”
Patrick Reilly stress ate three bagels while writing this.
Image by fibonacciblue.