Mutual Breakup Takes Surprise Turn When One Party Gets New Girlfriend


ATLANTA, Ga. — The planned and amicable breakup between Heidi Jacobi and longtime girlfriend Anne Paulsen took a sudden and surprise turn when Jacobi began dating a new girl, sources close to the situation have confirmed.

The relationship had petered out over the course of two years due to miscommunication and unwillingness to compromise which led the pair to find themselves single, but still civil. Jacobi, 27, and Paulsen, 29, continued to text one another and occasionally like each other’s Facebook statuses until Jacobi began dating Tiffany Nelson, 24, who is both hotter and younger than her previous girlfriend.

Paulsen was so upset by the news that she was enraged for the first time since their rather low-key breakup and unfriended Jacobi on Facebook. It took Heidi a few days to notice which only infuriated Paulsen even more. “How could she just move on like that?” Paulsen asked. “We were supposed to be sad and single together.”

As Jacobi began filling her Instagram with pictures of her having fun with her new girlfriend, Paulsen has been obsessively stalking both of them on social media to piece together a careful timeline of how long after the breakup her ex found happiness with someone else.

“I couldn’t believe she moved on only two months later–two months!” Paulsen exclaimed. “I mean didn’t she care at all that I was hurting? Yeah, I broke up with her and I’ve gone on a few Tinder dates, but that’s total bullshit that she gets to just move on like that.”

When asked to comment on her ex-girlfriend’s sudden unhappiness and unwillingness to speak to her anymore, Jacobi shrugged and smiled pleasantly. “I’m in a really good place right now, so I don’t need that negativity in my life.” Paulsen responded by tearing up all pictures of the pair and then sobbing while trying to tape them back together.

Stephanie Weber has relocated all of her exes to Texas. She is unwelcome in San Antonio.  

Image by jljohnstone.