MSNBC Declares Xavier’s Halftime Lead ‘Insurmountable’


NEW YORK — During yesterday’s broadcast of “Hardwood Hardball,” a special March Madness-themed program MSNBC is airing throughout the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, anchor Chris Matthews declared that the Xavier Musketeers’ halftime lead over the underdog Wisconsin Badgers all but guaranteed their eventual victory.

“Xavier’s lead has become insurmountable, and will only grow as the game progresses and they continue to assert their institutional advantages,” said Matthews. “For Wisconsin to overtake Xavier, they would need to secure nearly 55% of the remaining points. The math just doesn’t work out for them any more.”

Matthews’ guest, DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, emphatically agreed with his analysis.

“The Badgers have made a courageous and spirited effort,” said Schultz, “and we thank them for it. But the Musketeer’s ground-and-pound game has left Wisconsin with no viable pathway to the basket. It’s more clear now than ever that Xavier is the team best equipped to deliver a victory in the general championship.”

“Are you concerned that this might split the East regional?” Matthews asked Schultz. “Wisconsin has a lot of passionate fans who have been ‘feeling the Bronson.’ Are they really willing to get behind Xavier, or do you worry that they’ll stay home?”

“I think Wisconsin fans realize that the specter of a Duke victory is too horrifying to contemplate,” Schultz replied. “In the end, I’m confident that we’ll all come together for the good of the country.”

The segment ended with a John Kasich demonstration of the fundamentals of the two-handed set shot.

Eric Stassen felt kinda bad for Bill Murray.

Image by scriptingnews.