Mitt Romney Announces Candidacy For Whatever Public Office Is Available

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WHEREVER — Surrounded by campaign staff and family members, former GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney announced his candidacy for whatever public office is available today. Romney told reporters he is excited to get his name on “any ballot for any seat” up for reelection beginning this year.

“I’m thrilled at the chance to represent the great people of anywhere by voicing their needs, wants, and concerns in whichever seat they’ll elect me to,” Romney said. “Folks need representatives who will embody their values, whatever those might be. I firmly believe I’m up to the challenge of fighting for any values any person holds in order to represent them on a political stage,” he added.

Campaign staffers handed out “Romney for Whatever, Anywhere 2018/2020” pins to supporters in attendance while the former Massachusetts governor provided a roadmap of his campaign.

“I’m excited to hit the road and meet with folks from all walks of life and contested voting districts,” Romney said. “It will be my personal honor to hear their concerns and beg them to elect me this fall or in any future election for any seat,” he added. “I’ll do anything.”

At press time, a visibly forlorn Romney announced that, after taking a phone call from President Donald Trump, he would actually not be running for political office now or anytime in the future.

Dan Delagrange will write comedy for whichever website lets him do it.

Image by Gage Skidmore on Flickr.

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Dan Delagrange is a comedy writer and basketball nerd living in Chicago. Along with writing for The Whiskey Journal, he hosts the Below The Rim podcast, and he was a contributor at StarWipe and a writer for Scott Dikkers's book, "Trump's America: Buy This Book And Mexico Will Pay For It".