Michigan Gets Worse


LANSING, Mich. — Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, Michigan got worse. Just weeks after another teacher and teenage student sex scandal in Jackson, and after a shocking water crisis in Flint, a bill criminalizing oral and anal sex passed in the Michigan Senate last week.

“I don’t know how much we can take,” said Flint resident Gary Shoemaker, 35. “It’s one thing after another, after another.”

The same state that gave the world Ann Coulter and Kid Rock is on a roll of scandals and bad decisions, and seems to be gunning for the title of “New Florida.”

“My boyfriend and I were just to the point in our relationship where we felt comfortable experimenting with anal sex,” said Jessie Braxton, 27, of Grand Rapids. “Now he’s afraid he’ll go to jail.”

While Flint politicians have been drinking bottled water and knowingly avoiding tap water for many months, everyday citizens have been convincing themselves that it’s safe to bathe in water that may have up to ten times as much lead as what could be considered “safe” to drink, all while protesting, recovering from lead-based illnesses, and just hoping that the state wouldn’t take away their rights to do cool sex things.

“You’re telling me I can’t do mouth stuff, and even if I could I couldn’t wash my mouth out with clean drinking water?” said Shoemaker. “This is ridiculous.”

Also, the temperature this Saturday in Detroit is supposed to be a high of 8 degrees Fahrenheit.

“I don’t even think another Sufjan Stevens album about us could cheer me up,” said Braxton.

Tyler Snodgrass has never been to Michigan and now he may never go.

Image by michigancommunities.