Mark Zuckerberg To Blame For Most Things

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MENLO PARK, Calif. — “No, I can’t say that this bodes well for the future of Facebook,” said Facebook chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, in regards to a new report released this week titled “Mark Zuckerberg to Blame for Most Things.”

The bombshell report, written by some of the country’s top scientists and based on peer-reviewed, independently collected data, makes a cogent case for Mark Zuckerberg’s blame in far more affairs than was previously expected.

“Mark Zuckerberg’s website, Facebook, which, to be clear, is a social media giant that evolved from Zuckerberg’s creepy ‘Hot Or Not’ website used to rank women’s appearances, played a strong role in the election of Donald Trump,” Dr. Laura Stratton, a researcher at Stanford University said. “That much we know. But our study also found that Mark Zuckerberg is responsible for a whole host of other problems in our world.”

Indeed, a large number of Facebook users have registered their dissatisfaction with Facebook’s “On This Day Feature,” which often reminds them that things were better in the past than they are in the present, or conversely, that they used to have really bad taste.

“I went through a long, very intense Matthew Fox phase,” Erica Rodriguez, 32, said. “I posted about Lost every Sunday for three years. I don’t need Facebook to remind me of that every time I sign on.”

Perhaps more troubling, is that researchers found that not only is Mark Zuckerberg responsible for creating this website that helped elect Donald Trump, has forced companies to “pivot to video,” reminds you that your ex still likes watching Parks and Recreation re-runs, and robs you of your productivity, there’s a whole slew of other, unexpected things Mark Zuckerberg is to blame for.

“That red light you always hit? That’s Mark Zuckerberg. The fact that Selfie only lasted one season? That’s Mark Zuckerberg. Institutional racism? That’s Mark Zuckerberg,” said Stratton. “We can’t quite explain the phenomenon just yet, but the data doesn’t lie.”

“And as for climate change, I won’t say that Zuckerberg caused it,” Stratton added, “but he certainly isn’t helping.”

At press time, Zuckerberg’s reps declined to comment on this story, but did confirm he had political ambitions for 2020.

Lana Schwartz is a writer living in New York City. She is, indeed, on Facebook.

Image by quintanomedia.