Marine Dominates Laser Tag Birthday Party


ADDISON, Ill. — A young boy’s birthday party at local laser tag venue Lazer X was spoiled by Marine Lance Cpl. Dan Schweizer, 23, on leave from Afghanistan, whose superior training allowed him to demolish the competition and ruin the experience for all partygoers, sources said.

The party, thrown for 11-year-old Anthony Slater, was scheduled to be a “fun afternoon for Anthony and his friends,” according to his mother. During the first round, however, Schweizer’s militant discipline made it clear that nobody was going to enjoy themselves.

“Before I could even raise my laser gun, he sniped me from long range and disappeared to another part of the course,” said a discouraged friend of the birthday boy.

The second round was no different as Schweizer’s pinpoint accuracy with the laser rifle and swift evasive movement from all incoming fire gave the inexperienced youngsters no chance at having anything resembling a good time. The ruthless jarhead used his agility and knowledge of the laser tag arena to flank his prepubescent enemies and make hapless victims out of the fun-seeking group, reports said.

“The opposing players’ preoccupation with the smoke machines and black lights gave me a clear tactical advantage,” Schweizer later said.

Anthony’s mom said that her son’s plan to organize a four vs. four match amongst his friends had to be abandoned in order to fight against the juggernaut. Even united, the demoralized minors struggled to halt the onslaught of the formally trained killing machine.

“The boys’ meal of pizza and cake before the games left them sluggish and unprepared for the physical rigors of facing a man 12 years their senior in virtual combat,” said laser warfare historian Sean Moynahan.

After five rounds, the thwarted pre-teens became disillusioned with the entire event and complained that enjoyment of the party was a lost cause.

Post-game score sheets revealed that Schweizer had been hit a total of one time over the course of the afternoon – something he attributed to a technical error.

“I haven’t seen annihilation on this scale since the Corporate Outing of ’06,” said one Lazer X employee.

To thank them for their sacrifice, Lazer X has agreed to pay for all of the kids’ college expenses under the GI Bill.

Patrick Reilly routinely destroys 5th graders in LARP battles.

Image by sionbourne.