March Madness Preview: Which School’s Indentured Servants Are The Mightiest?


Wondering how to fill out your NCAA tournament bracket? Here are The Whiskey Journal’s picks for the mighty teams of unpaid laborers who will represent their regions at the Final Four in Phoenix.

East Region:  Duke
No one knows better than Duke’s Coach K how to get the most out of players who receive not a penny out of the millions of dollars they generate for their university. Expect a strong showing from junior shooting guard and judoka Grayson Allen as he repeatedly projects the ball through the basketball ring.

South Region:  Kentucky
UK has maintained its status among the college basketball elite despite the sorry spectacle of player after player throwing away life’s most precious opportunity–the chance to earn a college degree in University Studies–in a misguided quest for NBA glory. Sadly, it seems that all too many of the gifted young men from impoverished backgrounds whose talents fuel a multi-billion dollar industry care more about money than about the proud tradition of amateur athletics. 

Midwest Region:  Kansas
“Carry On Wayward Son” is such a righteous jam and the boys from Lawrence will go as far as savvy senior guard Frank Mason and future NBA lottery pick Josh Jackson can take them, provided neither suffers a career-ending knee injury, bringing shame upon the university who so graciously allowed them to perform for a monthly stipend of zero dollars.

West Region:  VCU
TWJ’s crystal ball shows a Cinderella story set in San Jose, as a band of scrappy overachievers from the capital of the Confederacy demonstrates an insatiable hunger not just for meals the student-athletes can’t afford to buy, but for tournament wins. The 10th-seeded Rams are an upset pick among fans drawn to their sharp color scheme and superb logo, despite not a single player being able to afford those cool wireless headphones to wear during the pregame shootaround.

Championship:  Kansas over Duke
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life’s no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you!

Keep our expert picks in mind tomorrow morning when you hurriedly fill out your bracket for a chance to win $60 in your office pool, which is more than any player on any of the 68 teams in the billion-dollar tournament will see for all their hard work!

Eric Stassen is just a drop of water in an endless sea.

Image by cbssports.