SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — In a visibly worn out state, upstate New York resident Gary Scheimer lamented the crazy antics of his wife who consistently makes him feel unsafe with her unpredictable expressions of human feelings.
“The wife is just crazy,” Scheimer said. “I’ll get home from work and she’ll want to know how my day went, then she’ll start sharing her human feelings and experiences and it’s like ‘Whoa, slow down, crazeballs!’ I never know what she’s trying to get at, with all those crazy human feelings of sadness, anger, numbness, or merely seeking companionship.”
When asked about her husband’s accusations of craziness, Marianne shrugged and said: “He’s entitled to his own feelings, I guess,” to which reporters shuddered in confusion and terror at whatever crazy words had exited her foaming, terrifying mouth full of human feelings.
Beyond her insane antics of basic human interaction, Scheimer reported his wife is also incredibly tyrannical and will sometimes pressure him to cancel game night plans in order to spend quality time together.
“Yeah, she’s a real crazy slave-driver,” Scheimer chuckled. “Just last week for our ten year anniversary she brutally demanded I skip the bar and come enjoy a homemade meal with her in recognition of our marital commitment. Wives — I tell ya. You can’t live with them, but you sure as hell can’t escape their craziness, because they might chokehold you with intimacy or confrontation of your inability to emotionally engage.”
When asked why he stays in the marriage, Scheimer was quoted as saying: “There’s no use trying to find a less crazy wife, after all — you can’t trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die.”
In response to further questions about their marriage, Marianne shrugged reticently while Scheimer listed the reasons a woman president would never work.
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Image by Telegraph.