Man Tries To Rekindle Routine With Dental Retainer


LAWRENCE, Kan. — After years of inconsistency, local man Trent Wacker has decided to get serious about his on-again-off-again status with his dental retainer.

“I’ve finally reached the age where I’m ready for commitment,” said Wacker, 26. “I used to fear commitment and routine but a lot has changed since I was a teenager, including the placement of my teeth since getting my braces off.”

According to sources, Wacker and his dental retainer lost touch when he went off to college.

“Before he left for school Trent and his retainer were inseparable,” said Wacker’s mother. “Except for meals.”

As well-intentioned as Wacker’s retainer was, he said he’s struggled with staying in touch with it.

“It’s no one’s fault,” Wacker said, “And for years I’d come back to it on late nights, once every couple weeks, right before going to bed, but it would always wind up hurting me. Because my teeth had shifted, I mean.”

Sources confirmed that once Wacker’s braces were removed, there was an intense honeymoon phase with his retainer, but that only lasted for around one year.

“He used to smile a lot more when that retainer was in his life more, that’s for sure,” said Wacker’s mother.

Wacker said he intends to make his routine work this time.

“It’d be nice to get back to way things were; to realign that incisor on my bottom row,” said Wacker. “But relationships are a lot of work, especially when it comes to keeping canines and premolars together.”

Tyler Snodgrass wears a retainer at night (sometimes) and still isn’t sure how to clean it.

Image by debonaire photography.

Previous articleThird Wheel Hoping For Threesome
Next articleBass Player Wrote His Own Little Song
Tyler is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. Before moving to Chicago in 2013, he lived, taught high school, and performed in southwest Missouri (the Ozarks!), which influences much of his writing and storytelling. He's been lucky enough to work with such comedians as Mike Birbiglia and Bo Burnham, plus others. He's a former writer and editor for famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff.