PITTSBURGH — Digging deeper into his past than he ever imagined, local man George Tallon has researched his ancestry back to the very beginnings of life on Earth, sources confirmed Thursday.
“Apparently I’m the direct descendant of the simplest form of life ever known,” the 58-year-old billing supervisor proudly announced on Facebook.
Tallon enrolled in a genealogy class at his library and spent months digging through old letters, census documents and birth certificates. Not content knowing the identity of his human predecessors, he picked up a microscope and set out to do some field research.
“I started checking the fossil record, DNA genomes, and using carbon isotope aging techniques,” he said.
Filled with pride upon finding that he is one sixteen-quadrillionth prokaryote, he couldn’t help but brag a little bit to the others in his genealogy class.
“Oh, you’re great-great grandfather was at the Alamo? That’s cool I guess,” Tallon said. “My family pioneered photosynthesis, and it’s all thanks to my great-great-great-great-great [Editor’s note: full quote shortened] grandcell.”
Further research revealed that Tallon’s simplistic forerunner had one offspring with itself before settling down into a less bubbly part of the primordial soup. Saying he’d love to reach out to his new extended family, Tallon looked up the address of distant cousin Lactobacillus Rhamnosus.
“When I found out that there are bacteria in yogurt, I was like, oh my god, it’s like having a family reunion in my mouth,” Tallon said.
“Now that I think about it, we totally have the same ribosomes,” he added.
Patrick Reilly comes from a long line of decomposing fungi.
Image by Wikipedia.