Man Only Reads ‘Hustler’ For Its Hardcore Pornography

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DAYTON, Ohio—In an effort to justify his motives for subscribing to the magazine, 56-year-old local man Kevin Haggerty assured reporters that he reads Hustler Magazine purely for its hardcore pornography.

“Believe it or not, Hustler has a vibrant history of publishing some of the industry’s most prolific sluts,” said the self-proclaimed “smut aficionado,” promising that any preconceived notions against the magazine—be it from a friend, colleague, or nephew—are quickly extinguished after showing them a photo of an interesting anus or double penetration. “And don’t get me wrong, I skip over all that short story and political commentary nonsense they unfortunately run. I’m going to have to start cutting out all the prose so I can focus on the meat and potatoes of what Hustler’s really about. Just this morning I was trying to enjoy a riveting Sunrise Adams bukkake spread but kept getting distracted by this Anthony Bourdain interview in my periphery. That stuff grosses me out.”

When pressed to address rumors that he keeps a secret subscription of The New Yorker stashed between his bed mattresses, a visibly flustered Haggerty shooed media members away, stating that such rumors were “preposterous” and that needed to go catch up on a “groundbreaking” Hustler expose on hijabi squirters.

Chad Thurman once freak danced with Sunrise Adams at a grade school mixer.

Image by wikipedia and pexels.