Man At High School Reunion Finds Bully Now Fat, Bleeds When Stabbed

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PEORIA, Ill. — At a class reunion for the 2004 graduates of Richwoods High School, local man Jason Riggins was surprised to find how much his fellow alumni had changed over the course of ten years, and how one man in particular is now fat and will bleed when you stab him.

“Look at Becky Smith over there,” commented Riggins, 28. “She used to be this squirrelly little girl in charge of the anime club. Now she’s a small business owner.”

Rebecca Smith was just the beginning of a long list of impressive changes Riggins spoke about while standing alone near the punch bowl. The differences in behavior and appearance of the goths, the jocks, the mathletes, the cheerleaders, the dancers, the burnouts, and the art school kids all left Riggins with a profound sense of how much change can be effected over time.

However, no one was a bigger surprise to Jason than his former bully Brian Burkhart.

“Boy, has he gotten fat,” Riggins commented. “That’s probably why so much blood came out of his body when I stabbed him.”

Riggins reportedly had approached his former tormentor to say hello and catch up on old times, and also to bury a hatchet deep in Burkhart’s ribs.

“It was so different than it was in high school,” Riggins chuckled. “I just patted him on the stomach and said ‘Putting on a few pounds, buddy’ and he didn’t even have anything mean to say back. I guess people get nicer as they get older, and find it difficult to speak when they are choking on their own blood.”

“Kids are cruel but only because they are misguided, and I’ve accepted that and am ready to forgive and forget,” Riggins said. He then added “Especially since I saw the life drain out of the eyes of the man who made existence unbearable.”

Burkhart was unavailable for comment or resuscitation.

Kevin Lobkovich has never been bullied. Not even once.

Image by nytimes.com.