Local Man Flees Country After Two Exes Become Friends

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BARCELONA, Spain — After casually perusing Facebook and discovering that two of his ex-girlfriends are now good pals, Wisconsin native Trevor Cornish has fled the country, never to return.

“They’re not from the same friend group so there is no way that Katie and Amanda should have ever met,” explained Cornish, 28, in a long-distance phone interview from an undisclosed location in eastern Spain. “But at some point they’re going to both realize they’ve dated me and by the time that happens I’ll be gone. I’ll be long gone.”

Inside sources confirm that the two women have yet to discuss or discover their shared past with Cornish, but that hasn’t stopped him from abandoning his job, family and home, and starting a new life abroad.

“I wasn’t even a bad boyfriend or anything,” Cornish insisted, “but they both know too much about me. They’re gonna discover I take everyone to the same restaurant on a first date and they’ll probably make fun of the noises I make during sex.”

Though he has already left the country, adopted a new name and wears a fake mustache at all hours of the day, Cornish is still very concerned that he might encounter one of his former flames again.

“That would ruin my life,” he said over the phone after triple-checking to make sure the call couldn’t be traced. “I think if I saw one of them and she said something that only the other one could know and then she laughed or something, I would shriek a hellish noise, drop dead and just turn to dust.”

He added: “I’m going full-Snowden. There is no other way.”

Tyler Snodgrass is a real big fan of meeting his ex’s exes. Is that weird? That’s probably weird.

Image by shakestercody.

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Tyler is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. Before moving to Chicago in 2013, he lived, taught high school, and performed in southwest Missouri (the Ozarks!), which influences much of his writing and storytelling. He's been lucky enough to work with such comedians as Mike Birbiglia and Bo Burnham, plus others. He's a former writer and editor for famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff.