ST. LOUIS — At a really fun house party, featuring free alcohol, many attractive people, and catchy music played loudly through amplified speakers, one local partygoer elected to stand alone and pretend to read texts on his phone.
The young man reportedly put on this act of “being too busy on his phone to hang out” in an attempt to avoid all social interactions, while also trying to avoid the shame of failing to ignite or sustain any social interactions.
“He’s not fooling anyone,” said party attendee Sara Gorman. “He keeps looking up from the screen every, like, five seconds. No one reads texts like that.”
“And look how his thumbs move when he pretends to text back,” added Gorman. “He needs to work on his space work.”
“I think his name is Dillan?” said Jeff “The Mule” Wallace, who threw the party. “I don’t really know him, and apparently neither does anyone else. Is he Dan’s cousin? Did Dan invite him?”
Party attendee Dan Mitchell said he couldn’t remember if he was related to or invited the mysterious Dillan, but Dan was pretty drunk at that point.
Witnesses said this Dillan guy wound up alone by the living room window after having nothing to offer the circles of conversing people in the kitchen, hallway, and living room.
According to Gorman, Dillan Whatshisname only took a break from fake texting in order to pretend to be really interested in a nearby bookshelf.
“At one point he even picked a book off the shelf, opened it in the middle, and just read a few pages, as if that would be entertaining or normal in any way,” Gorman said.
Moments later things got even more pitiful.
“Oh, and then the house owner’s dog showed up,” said Gorman. “He petted that dog for at least fifteen minutes. He looked crushed when it walked away.”
Tyler Snodgrass doesn’t even look anything remotely like this Dillan guy, I mean c’mon.
Image by lasvegasoutlaw.