WASHINGTON D.C. — Following BP’s oil spill in Lake Michigan on Monday, a joint investigation by the EPA and the FTC found that the bulk of the London-based petroleum company’s global personnel are in fact, dogs.
From the general labor pool, up to and including the company’s corporate elite, BP’s 85,900 employees in 80 countries were found to be overwhelmingly canine. The discovery was made after BP’s Whiting, Indiana refinery discharged a reportedly unknown amount of crude oil into Lake Michigan for a supposedly unknown length of time. In a press conference earlier today, BP spokesperson Scott Dean accounted for the company’s failure to produce even an estimation of how much oil may have contaminated the water supply of approximately 7 million people.
“I’m gonna level with you guys,” Dean said. “Almost all of our employees are dogs, and dogs are historically bad at most things. It turns out that preventing and terminating a disastrous oil spill is on the list of things at which dogs are terrible. I would say ‘our bad,’ but it’s not, really. You should go talk to those dogs.”
When faced with comparisons between Monday’s malfunction and BP’s Deepwater Horizon spill of 2010, during which 200 million gallons of crude oil pumped into the Gulf of Mexico for 87 days, Dean responded shortly by saying, “Okay I mean, again, have you ever seen a dog go deep-sea diving or drive a submarine? They’re super bad at both of those things. Next question.”
Lead EPA researcher Sherri Hunt addressed the ramifications of human-caused environmental disasters in conjunction with Monday’s spill on her website, remarking, “You know when futuristic movies depict society as a run-down, polluted, corrupt, hopeless, squalid hellhole, and you think, ‘I wonder how that happens?’ Like this. It happens like this.”
Attempts to reach BP’s General Chief Executive Bob Dudley were met by his assistant who claimed that, since it was after 2 p.m., he was “off collecting stillborns.” Then he quickly added, “or golfing.”