Magic Beans Didn’t Do Shit


OTTERVILLE, Ill.— Despite their high expectations and staggering cost, reports indicate that the local community’s recently acquired magic beans haven’t done a goddamn thing.

“We didn’t know exactly what to expect,” said bean hopeful Anna Powell. “It’s not like anyone really thought there’d be a sky kingdom we could climb up to and steal gold from, but at least it would have been cool to see a beanstalk get totally huge.”

Although the magic beans were planted months ago, sources say they have failed to sprout a single goddamn stalk even though that’s the kind of basic shit that normal beans do every day just by their damn selves.

“These horrible beans got blasted by the worst spell,” reported town elder and bean aficionado Andrew Morrison. “Their magic is some true trash that is contemptible in a garbage way. We got tangled up with these beans of woe and planted them in dumb-ass loam. At this point we’d accept a normal-sized beanstalk. These grotesque bean terrors won’t even do that.”

Experts warn that with their last cow traded for the shitty doo-doo beans, locals are likely to find themselves ill-prepared for the coming winter months.

“That cow was like a shining diamond scorching a terrifying poem into the blighted sky,” said Powell. “Her name was Boutros Boutros-Ghali the Tip-Top Cow And Best Friend To Us All and now she’s gone to the four fucking winds because of these beans, a handful of hate globs that have spelled our ruin.”

Bean handlers were eager to note that they did not overlook the possible effects of ingesting the magic beans in their rush to plant them.

“I ate two of those cursed beans, a duo of treason heaved out of a miserable pod,” said Morrison. “I wish I could tell the world they did something. That they made my tummy hurt, or caused me to see a horrible vision of our lost hero Boutros Boutros-Ghali the Tip-Top Cow And Best Friend To Us All, but no. Those shitty beans didn’t do thing fucking one.”

 Though the magic beans have proved to be a terrible sack of sludge that is worse than a monster, reports claim that the locals do not blame the still-unnamed party who made the fateful purchase.

“We all would have made the same deal,” said Powell. “It still sounds amazing on paper. Imagine what we could have accomplished with magic beans that did literally any kind of damned thing. I don’t want to sound crazy, but honestly, I don’t even think the beans were magic at all.”

Tom Harrison has stolen all the gold from the sky kingdom already, so don’t bother.

Image by wikimedia.