Local Woman Believes In Crystals But Not Herself

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PORTLAND, Ore. — After a tougher-than-normal year, Miri Hayes’ self-confidence has been severely diminished and she’s recently invested more of her faith in purchasable crystals than in her own abilities and willpower.

Hayes, 28, said she moved to Portland from Fayetteville, Ark., shortly after grad school and hasn’t been able to land a single job involving her degrees in neither creative writing nor philosophy. “I thought for a little bit about just fixing my resume,” said Hayes, “but I believe that the universe will find a way. So instead I switched from buying Red Jasper, to just regular Jasper. Because they are different.”

Hayes also believes that the power of crystals can help her overcome her own loneliness. “I’ve been too nervous to talk to this barista guy named Kelvin,” the young unemployed woman said. “I always get coffee from him, and he’s very cute and doesn’t need glasses but still wears them. I’m just worried he’ll think I’m boring, so I bought a bunch of turquoise.”

While there are a lot of crystals out there to buy and arbitrarily set around your room, Hayes has narrowed it down to a few essentials.

“Labradorite is one of my favorites,” said Hayes. “It’s protects the aura and helps me understand my destiny. It facilitates understanding and keeps me free from energy leaks. Also the name reminds me of the kind of dog I had as a kid.”

Hayes added: “Amethyst is another one of my favorites. I’m using it to enhance my composure and to help me get Retweets.”

“There’s a lot I want to accomplish in the next year,” Hayes said, “But I’m tired of relying on myself to get things done. I’m gonna let these crystals take the wheel for a little bit.”

Hayes believes the crystals have helped inspire her to start finding herself. “I’ve been studying my horoscope to help me take appropriate risks and also find my soulmate,” Hayes said. “Some rose quartz inspired me to take a the Meyers-Briggs quiz—turns out I’m an ISFP, unless I’m drunk, and then I’m ENFP. And I found out that my spirit animal is a dolphin, a bottlenose dolphin to be specific, but like a young one who is very mature for her age.”

Tyler Snodgrass still has this arrowhead he found as a kid that he thinks is pretty cool.

Image by mckaysavage/timothykrause.