TOPEKA, Kan. – Dave Everlett, a local reporter for The Topeka Capital-Journal, recently made a grave error in leaving his loving, patient, kind, and beautiful long-time girlfriend Carly Jentzen. In spite of the idiotic nature of his pathetic mistake, sources confirmed that Everlett hopes Carly is reading this and can find it in her generous heart to forgive him for his stupidity.
In an interview with himself, Everlett confirmed the allegations against him, saying: “I had a terrible lapse in judgment, and I have regretted it for the past two weeks. One of my close friends ended his relationship recently, and I guess it just made me wonder what else was out there? Well—now I know that nothing else good is out there, and that Carly is the best thing that ever happened to me. Leaving her was impulsive and immature and I really regret it. I miss her all the time. My apartment is a wreck and my life feels empty without her. If she takes me back, I’ll be grateful every day.”
Everlett’s close friend and Capital-Journal photographer Charles Kim was quoted as having said, “Yes, Dave’s regret is definitely sincere. None of his friends thought he should leave her. Carly has put up with him for the past three years, and pretty much no other woman on the planet would do that. I mean, the guy still quotes the South Park movie. In 2015. [Editor’s note: the South Park movie is awesome.] Yes, I can confirm that his apartment is a wreck, and the other night at O’Dougherty’s Pub he was crying like a [redacted]. Frankly, we’re all getting pretty sick of this [redacted]. Carly, if you’re reading this, have pity and take him back. He’s obviously too codependent to deal with life without you.”
The Capital-Journal was able to procure an exclusive interview with Carly’s sister Ella Jentzen, who said, “Dave, you broke up with her via [redacted] and only two days before your anniversary! Those plane tickets were non-refundable, you [redacted]! Now stop [redacted] calling me, or I’ll file a harassment complaint.”
Everlett’s future remains uncertain, as even his co-workers have noticed the tremendous impact that Carly’s absence has had on his life. Everlett’s editor has reportedly threatened him with termination if he can’t “move on with [his] life, start reporting the news, which is what [he] is paid to do, and stop using the local paper as a way to air [his] personal grievances.”
Nevertheless, Everlett continued to maintain a singular focus on getting back together with Carly, whatever the cost may be.
UPDATED 1 p.m.: The Capital-Journal has confirmed that Dave Everett is no longer employed there.
Gwen Lawson really hopes she doesn’t take him back.
Image by Knight Foundation.