Local Man Loses Both Rental Car Keys Because They’re Fucking Attached

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CHICAGO —During a recent business trip, local man Kevin Simmons lost both sets of keys to his rental car because the keys were fucking attached to each other.

“They gave me two sets of keys to my car, but for some goddamned reason, there was a metal ring permanently joining them together,” said a disgruntled Mr. Simmons to reporters. “So, when I misplaced one, I sure as hell misplaced the other.”

Sources confirmed that Avis did indeed give Mr. Simmons two sets of keys to his Dodge Dart, which would ideally provide him an extra set should he accidentally lose one. However, reporters were unable to identify any logical fucking reason why Avis would fucking attach them to each other, for Chrissake.

“If they absolutely can’t give me two separate keys, wouldn’t it be smarter to just give me one set of keys and keep the other at the agency in case I lose mine? Wouldn’t that be a better decision? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” asked Mr. Simmons.

At press time, an Avis representative was asking area businessman Mike Miller if he wanted to pre-pay for an entire tank of gas, even though he knows he’s only going to use at most a quarter tank, because they reportedly think he’s a fucking idiot.

Tommy Molzahn just uses Uber.

Image by Dennis Yang.