Local Health Nut Only Smokes Other People’s Cigarettes


SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local CrossFit regular and juicing enthusiast Meghan Michaels owes the majority of her health and fitness to her strict policy of only smoking other people’s cigarettes, according to several of her friends and coworkers who independently support their own smoking habits.

Outside the Howl At The Moon piano bar, friend Sarah Sanders said Michaels had just went inside after “bumming” a smoke off of her. She reportedly enjoyed half the cigarette before hearing a piano rendition Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” yelling “That’s may jam!” and then flicking the rest of the American Spirit Light and running back inside.

“She always does the same thing—at first she just asks one of us for a ‘drag or two’ and then ends up bumming smokes the rest of the night,” said Sanders. “We all think it’s cute, since the rest of the time she’s all about how her ‘body is a temple’ and all that, but sometimes it’s annoying. I guess mostly it’s just annoying.”

Next to Sanders and enjoying the last draw from her Camel Crush Menthol, Michaels’ friend and co-worker Brittany Bell added that Michaels likes to bring up that she doesn’t smoke anymore while they’re all outside smoking together.

“Usually she’ll say something about how she ‘used to smoke’—like she’s trying skiing for the first time in years,” said Bell. “When we remind her that she smokes with us every time we go out, she just starts singing whatever song is coming from inside the bar or a passing car and yells ‘That’s my jam!’”

According to the U.S. Center For Disease Control one in five smokers avoid both paying for tobacco and, therefore, recognizing their own addiction to nicotine by shamelessly bumming off of friends, acquaintances or anyone who happens to be outside smoking.

CDC director Dr. Karen Kuentsler said more research needs to be performed on the phenomena, but some initial conclusions can be drawn.

“We know this type of smoking—or bumming, as it’s called—is no less dangerous to a person’s health than smoking the same amount of tobacco if you bought and paid for it,” said Dr. Kuentsler. “Studies do show, however, that it is exponentially more annoying to the other four out of five smokers who do buy their own shit.”

Back outside the piano bar in the designated smoking area, Michaels’ friends Sanders and Bell light up, but playfully refuse her request for a smoke.

“Meghan, go across the street and get your own damn cigarettes, bitch,” laughed Sanders.

“Yeah, I want you to have to look in the eye of the cashier and ask for your own smokes,” said Bell.

At that moment the opening chords from a piano duet of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” blasted from inside. Micheals yelled “That’s my jam!” and ran over to a group of three guys smoking Marlboro Ultra Lights, scored one, and gave a party holler of success back to her friends.

Andrew Voris quit buying his own cigarettes in 2007.

Image by sjon.