LINCOLN, Neb. — In a stroke of genius, local Little League coach Jim Szarniak has placed Connor—the fat kid on the team—into the cleanup spot for his team’s game today.
“Okay, guys, Connor’s going to be batting fourth for us this afternoon,” Szarniak told his team while reviewing the lineup, making clear his masterful strategy of having the heaviest, widest 11-year-old on his team bat in the traditional power-hitting spot.
“Be ready to get up there and swing, buddy,” he directed to the child, whose portly frame must indicate he is capable of hitting a baseball a tremendous distance.
Diving into the genius specifics of his plan, Szarniak told the players batting before the chubby slugger—all of whom are of slim to normal builds for their age—how important it was for them to be on base when the overweight 5th grader took his turn at bat.
“You guys at the top of the order—be smart and just try to get on base, even if it means taking a walk,” Szarniak said, putting emphasis on loading up the bases for Connor to use his overwhelming girth to send a pitch out of the park. “And maybe then we can start to look for the long ball,” he added, stressing how crucial it will be for the obese child to hit a home run and avoid any base-running.
After reviewing the team’s offensive game plan, Szarniak turned to discussing its defense, which would—brilliantly—hinge on placing the chunky adolescent in a position wherein his immobility would be rendered not just harmless, but into an advantage.
“When it’s our turn to hit the field, Connor, let’s have you start at catcher,” Szarniak advised, employing the ingenious tactic of using the fat kid’s width as a security measure against any would-be wild pitches.
Just before the game began, Szarniak made the last-minute expert stroke of putting the team’s unathletic, weird kid in right field.
Dan Delagrange can’t hit for power on his rec-league softball team since he’s no longer a fat little kid.