ATLANTA — Left-leaning Democrats across the country hoped that a landmark study on gun research released today by the Center for Disease Control would vindicate their desire for stricter gun control, but were devastated to discover that the study conclusively proved that guns kick ass.
“It’s hard to understand how this happened,” said lead researcher Dr. Ilana McCready. “We set up an experiment to study the correlation between gun ownership and domestic violence, and no matter how many times we ran the numbers, the results were always that guns own and make your dick feel huge. It doesn’t make sense but the science doesn’t lie.”
Liberals and anti-gun advocates have been left reeling as the study they had assumed would prove guns had no place in American life instead proved beyond any possible refutation that guns look dope as hell and that shooting them is insanely cool.
“It’s hard to put into words how disappointed I am,” said Patricia Henderson, director of anti-gun think tank Don’t Shoot, America. “For so many decades we assumed the government wouldn’t allow studies on gun violence because the NRA was putting pressure on them, afraid public support for guns would crater if a study ever revealed the truth.”
Henderson let out a long, mournful sigh before continuing, “Instead, the study proved that shooting a watermelon—I mean these melons are getting completely blammoed—is as fun as doing sex ten times.”
While the study did return some data that suggested gun ownership was extremely dangerous and the wide proliferation of firearms has led to hundreds of thousands of preventable deaths, the vast majority of the study’s conclusions revolved around how much ass guns kicked and how taping two guns together to make a double-gun would probably fucking rule.
“It’s mind-boggling,” said Dr. McCready. “At one point, we just put the number of guns owned in America and the number of 2016 gun deaths in a spreadsheet, and the next morning there was a new cell that said ‘firing an M134 Minigun would be the shit.’ I’d love things to be different, but we have to accept the results we’re given.”
In response to the study, liberals across the country have begun to glumly purchase guns and reluctantly report that shooting big cans of paint on the roof of burnt-out cars is fucking dope as hell and definitely gives the gun industry enough goodwill to get through the next three or so mass shootings.
Look, Tom Harrison is as left as they come, but I would shoot watermelons literally all day if you let me.