LOMBARD, Ill. — After reportedly telling his friends and family that he would finally be “getting his shit together,” local man Will Kern compiled a playlist of his favorite, high-energy songs that, by all accounts, was woefully optimistic in length. The compilation of music on Kern’s Spotify, featuring seven Eminem songs, clocked in at just over 90 minutes, a full hour longer than any of his workouts to date.
“I appreciate the level of confidence he has in himself,” said April Jennings, Kern’s girlfriend. “I just think making a playlist even an hour in length would require some hubris. But he hit that hour mark and still kept adding Beastie Boys tracks.”
Despite entering the gym with a level of blind confidence usually reserved for those with stronger convictions, sources close to Kern have confirmed that his workout routines have consisted only of a quick, aimless stretch, and then spending 15 to 20 minutes on the stationary bike while scrolling through Facebook.
After the most recent meander through his local XSport, Kern was reportedly seen buying $70 worth of kale and other miscellaneous greens, which experts predict will be placed, unopened, into his apartment dumpster within a fortnight.
Alec Stein is The Whiskey Journal’s leading expert on motivational gym memes