Leg Cramp Reminds Office Worker He’s Still Alive


AKRON, Ohio — Senior administrative associate and August 2011 Employee of the Month Jason Arnold remembered he’s a living, breathing, mortal human being Tuesday morning when his leg seized up at work in what he called a life-changing cramp.

Arnold, 29, reported the technically-an-injury to every employee at his office, pleading with them to make the most of life because it’s precious and fleeting.

“After the trauma from my leg cramp, I’m done wasting time,” declared Arnold. “Starting today, I’m cutting back on gaming, and focusing entirely on Netflix and podcasts outside of the office.”

“Clearly I’m working myself too hard with hours of Mass Effect and Call of Duty every night, or this wouldn’t have happened,” he added.

The adamantly single and self-professed “Excel wizard” said he’s aware lots of people probably start thinking about their health and longevity at his age.

“When we get out of college all us us think we can do things like game forever without getting cramps, but your body catches up,” said Arnold. “If I’m going to continue to thrive at data entry I’ve got to take care of myself.”

Arnold’s office manager, Renee Garcia, said their company actually incentivises employees for maintaining their health and nutrition and participates in league sports throughout the year to build bonds among co-workers and promote overall wellness.

“I’ve seen Jason sit at his desk for 12 hours and probably only get up for the bathroom or to get meats from the break room fridge,” said Garcia. “We value how dedicated he is to the team but we do try to encourage him to learn more about how eating right and exercising can improve happiness and productivity.”

Garcia said she hopes the cramp-inflicted millennial becomes more influenced by his peers around the office.

“His circulation can’t be good. I’ve seen him complain about the two-minute walk to the parking lot,” she said. “The man isn’t even 30.”

Arnold is, indeed, adamant that he understands the lessons from his recent epiphany.

“Going forward I’m ordering all my meals delivery, when possible,” he declared. “I’m not going to wreck my bod by exerting myself in the kitchen. Probably need to double the amount of chairs and things to sit on around my place, too. This is a battle against cramps—and I live to win.”

Andrew Voris always warms up with two beers and a joint before doing any cardio.

Image by Andre Charland