HOUSTON – Amid mounting media scrutiny, televangelist and famous pastor Joel Osteen has decided to allow victims of Hurricane Harvey inside his 16,000-seat Lakewood Church to watch him play single-player video games.
“We welcome all the displaced, the hungry, the weak, the injured—all God’s lambs affected by this great storm—to find the respite they need while they watch me crush some Final Fantasy XIII-2,” Osteen said.
Upon entering the church, victims of the hurricane were presented with bottled water, socks, and a bulleted list detailing which items were “off-limits,” including Osteen’s Dallas Cowboys blanket and any non-perishable food with ‘Joel’s’ already written on it. Those entering the church were also instructed to leave their shoes at the door and to find a seat (“anything with a plastic covering”) to observe the Lakewood Church pastor play the RPG game’s story mode.
“We pray that these pour souls may see the face of God in the midst of this tragedy, and we believe they’ll think it’s pretty badass to watch me blast through this next checkpoint,” Osteen said.
Sources at the scene were impressed with Osteen’s skill in the game and his unfailing focus on it.
“He was really good at that game. I don’t think I saw him blink; I don’t know where a 54-year-old man would find the time for a thing like that,” said hurricane victim Aaron Truman.
According to sources, in the middle of Osteen’s public gaming session, the married father of two grew angry at the game, throwing the controller past the lectern and into the crowd of recovering flood victims.
“This game cheats! Now nobody can play,” Osteen said before storming out of the room and demanding everyone leave his church.
Dan Drees quietly watched Joel play video games.
image by James Webb