Jeb Somehow Most Embarrassing Bush


HANOVER, N.H. — Following a town hall event in New Hampshire on Tuesday where the former Florida governor and currently fifth place Republican presidential hopeful asked attendees to “Please clap,” sources close to the family have confirmed that Jeb Bush is in fact the most embarrassing Bush.

“We thought he was supposed to be the smart one,” said 41st President and Jeb’s father George H.W. Bush, “but he’s really fucking this up.”

“Jeb is rarely on TV these days, and he’s running for President,” George H.W. continued. “Hell, my nephew Billy is on TV more than he is.”

The powerful Bush family has had its share of unbecoming chapters, including patriarch Prescott Bush doing business with Nazis during WWII in his capacity as an investment banker, but Jeb is somehow eclipsing them all to the surprise of family historians, who noted that even Jeb’s brother Neil Bush, who admitted in 2003 divorce proceedings to having sex with prostitutes in Thailand and Hong Kong, is still a successful and respected businessman based in Texas and is highly sought after on the corporate lecture circuit.

“Jeb is a good boy who showed promise in all of his very expensive private preparatory school education,” said Barbara Bush of her second eldest son. “I just wish he could have been a winner like his dad or his brother or literally anyone else in our family.”

Sources close to the former Florida governor said Jeb spent the majority of the afternoon pouting in his hotel room and listening to “Suicide is Painless” by Johnny Mandel on repeat.

At press time, his brother and 43rd President George W. Bush presented Jeb with a painting he made of Jeb as the sun with the words “don’t worry, be glad” written on it.

Kyle Scanlan is the most embarrassing Scanlan.

Image by Getty.