CUPERTINO, Calif. — Announcing the new feature in a press conference today, Apple unveiled an update to its upcoming iPhone’s camera that asks users if they’re sure they want to record the shitty video clip of the concert they’re attending.
“It might seem like a small addition in the grand scheme of things, but we here at Apple get really excited about these sorts of things,” lead engineer Donovan Ciotti said. “Micro-focused updates can make a huge difference to the end user, in this case sparing them from dedicating valuable storage to a truly godawful media file they will surely never watch even once.”
The update uses an audio-recognition software to detect when a user is listening to live music. Once the camera is switched to video, a push notification asking users if they’re really about to record a shaky, inaudible video instead of just listening to the concert they’re currently attending is sent.
“Basically, we’ve compressed a Shazam-like software to live inside the camera app,” Ciotti said. “The tweak here, though, is that it asks you if you truly want to waste your time doing something that not only makes you look like a jackass as you’re doing it, but also won’t impress any of your friends you show the video clip to.”
Ciotti added that simple research was the primary driver behind the update’s development.
“Every video we’ve ever seen taken of a concert through a phone’s camera sounds like shit, looks worse, and is way too fucking long,” he said. “Our hope is that this update eliminates them.”
Despite feeling optimistic about the update’s launch on the forthcoming iPhone model, Ciotti did admit the Apple engineering team is still working some bugs out of the camera’s new feature.
“Field testing has shown the feature rendered useless when users insist on recording the show they’re seeing despite being warned how fucking stupid that would be” he explained. “These dipshits are outliers, but they’ve given our teams some extra things to work on nonetheless.”
At the press conference’s conclusion, Ciotti added that future iPhone camera updates were in the works.
“We’re hoping to get something similar developed for photos of brunch entrées,” he said. “Why the fuck do people do that?”
Dan Delagrange thanks God smartphones weren’t around in the ’80s to spoil those sick-ass Van Halen shows.