SEATTLE, Wash. — Sitting in the coziness of her bed, marveling at the blissful glow of her 2013 Macbook, 25-year-old Tammy Suir confirmed that her 18 Mbps Internet connection was in fact the deepest connection in her life.
“When I get on the Internet, I lovingly gaze at pictures of castles, I fill folders with GIFs of gigantic crumbling cakes, I heart the Instagram photos of every acquaintance I’ve ever met like some sort of affirmation robot,” Suir said. “This connection definitely treads deeper than any of my current IRL connections.”
When Suir’s friends were questioned about the depth and validity of her Internet connection, they nodded affirmatively at reporters while scrolling through Tumblr feeds on their iPhones.
28-year-old Quinn Long, an old friend of Suir said: “It’s definitely true. Tammy belly laughs with the deep joy of a new bride every time she checks her YouTube subscriptions. She hasn’t made eye contact with me long enough to hear one of my jokes in at least five years.”
Tammy proudly confirmed that every time she connects to the Internet dozens of digital butterflies alight in her stomach, causing her to blush with emotion as she downloads and hand-picks emoticons that properly communicate her ever-shifting emotions.
“Do I desire a deeper connection in my life?” Suir asked rhetorically in the form of group Snapchat. “I don’t know, is there a love more constant than pictures of Idris Elba eating sandwiches? Is it possible for me to feel more at peace with the world than when I post a popular Facebook status?”
“Only time will tell,” Suir reflected as she captioned her latest profile picture.
Bronwyn Isaac feels a very deep internet connection with any site that will let her spy on Stephen Fry.
Image by pexels.