Okay, it’s crunch time. The kickoff of the 51st Super Bowl featuring the Atlanta Falcons and the New England Patriots is this Sunday at approximately 6:30 p.m. EST.
Here is a list of things you need to do and be prepared to do in order have the perfect Super Bowl party. Ready? Set. Hike!
1. Don’t invite anybody actually rooting for either of the teams.
2. Take advantage of the captive audience to help move those Amway products.
3. Hide the good beer in the vegetable drawers.
4. Show the first 50 Super Bowls beforehand so everyone is caught up.
5. Put a bunch of dip in your old high school football helmet.
6. No Jews.
7. Fast-forward on your DVR to help Tom Brady’s passes move through the air faster.
8. Set yours apart from other cliche Super Bowl parties by not having any food.
9. Invite all of your friends who say things like “go sports ball” and publicly execute them at halftime.
10. Throw it at someone else’s house to avoid that messy cleanup.
11. Have copies of the NFL’s 34-page Guide to Understanding What Is and Is Not a Catch printed out for guests to peruse.
12. Let your guests feel like they’re really at the game by charging $3000 at the door.
The Whiskey Journal staff wishes you and yours a happy Pepsi Halftime Show featuring Coldplay.
Image by switz1983.