How To Let Your Hot Cousin Know You’d Be Down If You Weren’t Related

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Do you find yourself awkwardly navigating the social mores of your annual family reunion, clutching your chill as you remind yourself it’s illegal to have relations with your hot cousin? Despite completely understanding the morality behind these laws, are you still curious if your cousin would hypothetically reciprocate? Here are a few simple ways to get your message across, without crossing legal or familial boundaries.

1. Mention That Cousin Marriage Is Still Legal In Most States

Find a way to casually bring up the fact that not only is cousin marriage mostly legal, but it’s not even that gross. The blood is all mixed up and different, so technically your hypothetical kids wouldn’t be at risk of anything except being as HOT as your cousin!

2. Maintain Eye Contact While Asserting What A “Good Looking Family” You Both Come From

Wow! You guys both come from a group of sexy people, don’t you? Playfully nudge your cousin about your genetics and how it’s no wonder your family reproduces at rapid rates. Be sure to include a passing compliment about how your cousin embodies everything that is physically and sensually appealing about your genetics. Before any tension escalates, force a loud laugh and say: “I mean, obviously I’m biased because I’m your COUSIN!”

3. Tell Them It’s Weird He Looks Like All Your Exes

If we’re being honest, your cousin is a lot hotter than your exes, but this still serves as a bulletproof tactic to communicate your taboo attraction while still staying safe in the harbor of vagaries. If he brings up up your hacky-sack enthusiast ex from 2011 as a way of gently saying: “I don’t look like anyone you’ve dated, this is weird,” start crying to divert the whole conversation.

4. Ask If He’s Ever Gotten Deep Into Freud

Although Freud kept his focus primarily on parental relationships and desire, his theories about taboo subconscious attraction can open the gates for you and your hot cousin to have a discussion about the ethics therein, and how extended family truly exists as more of a “construct” than a blood-enforced reality.

5. Wistfully Say Things Like “Too Bad We’re Related…”

When he invariably feels uncomfortable, just chuckle and say: “You know what I mean, buddy! We’re stuck in the cousin-zone!” Make sure to drop these tiny bombs often enough in your interaction that he knows you’d totally be down if you two weren’t bound by society’s stigma toward cousin sex. Open up the conversation so they can jump in and reciprocate by digging for compliments and occasionally grazing his elbow and whispering: “Have you ever considered a world with no boundaries?”

If none of these get your point across, ask if there’s any chance he was adopted.

Bronwyn Isaac has successfully alienated herself by writing this article.

Image by Felipe Pilotto.

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Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.