How To Check Your Stubborn Friend For Testicular Cancer Without Him Even Knowing

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We all have that friend who thinks he’s going to live forever. He hasn’t been to the dentist in a decade, he drinks every day of the week, he stays up all night, he procrastinates on everything and he can’t hold a job. You sometimes feel more like a parent than a friend.

But, no matter how many times you bring up the importance of self-screening for abnormal tissue on the testes, it just doesn’t sink in with him. Well, it’s time to take matters into your own hands, so to speak. Here is a low-risk, high-reward guide to ensuring your friend has healthy junk.

Party

Your friend is already prone to nights of drinking, so it shouldn’t take too much convincing to get him out on the town with you. Make sure you are buying all of the drinks. You can’t administer a medical test when you are three sheets to the wind.

Rohypnol

After you have a few rounds in him, drop a teaspoon of a reliable date-rape drug. Any will do, but we strongly recommend the roofie.

Exit

As soon as the mickey is in his system, you will have a short amount of time to get him out of there. He should be fairly easy to persuade by this point of the night, so suggest relocating back to your place. Maybe tell him you just got a new puppy or some cocaine, and that you will take him home later. (Note: Have the bar tab settled up beforehand). Your friend will be well on his way to sleepy by the time you get him back to your place. Just relax and let the drugs do the work. If he passes out on the way home, make sure you have a very brief story as to why you are escorting a sleeping man into your home.

Yank

Once the drugs have taken full effect, yank his pants off and play with his balls a lot. Don’t worry about waking him up; roofies work great. Make sure you are very thorough and explore every centimeter of his groin. Remember, you could be saving his life. It is perfectly normal for one or both of you to become erect. It is merely science exciting you and rewarding you for doing a good deed.

Just remember this easy P.R.E.Y. system, and keep your friends healthy. Chances are, you won’t find anything peculiar. However, if you should find anything alarming, it’s probably best to keep it to yourself. How are you going to explain how you know that he has a lump on his testicle? That could ruin your friendship, and what could possibly be worth doing that over?

Ross Kelly does not do well on tests.

Image by cmichel67.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.