Hottest Murderers Under 30

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Everybody loves a bad boy, and what kind of boy is the baddest? A murderer.
By the transitive rules of attraction, nothing is hotter than a killer – and these killers are the hottest of the hot. They’re young, prisonyard fit, and you don’t know if they’ll squelch the life out of you or just make you #SQUELCH in your underwear. Here are the Whiskey Journal’s Hottest Murderers Under 30:

 

 Joran van der Sloot

Joran van der Sloot

What’s hotter than getting murdered? Getting murdered at a SEX PARTY!
Ecstasy! Credit Cards! Fatal Donkey Punches! This fit Dane is so charismatic that he can lure a woman onto a boat charted for international waters on the strength of his charm and date rape drugs alone. His #SQUELCH Factor is hurt by the fact that he just tied the knot, but we give it two years until Joran is sailing solo once again!

SQUELCH FACTOR: 25/30

 

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James Holmes

James “The Nerdier Dirtier Murderer” Holmes recently upped his SQ-Rating by giving his image a gritty reboot, going with a rugged beard and thousand yard stare instead of his former trademark orange locks and manic terror eyes. Some credit this mellower, earthier James to his having found yoga in prison (Yoga Abs!), while others credit this change to the stabilizing cocktail of forced medication administered by state doctors. Either way: keep doin’ what you’re doin’, warden!

SQUELCH FACTOR: 26/30 

 

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Dzhokhar Tsarnaez

Cover of the Rolling Stone? Click. Network credits? Click. Eminently rideable Adrian Brody nose? Click and double click. This sensitive artist/terrorist looks like he could craft you a politically charged love song, build you the perfect birthday present, or write a sexy manifesto incendiary enough to get suburban rebels all hot and bothered. Bonus points for the prolific pet name possibilities. Our favorite: Brazilian Cum Jafarts.

SQUELCH FACTOR: 28/30

 

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Aaron Hernandez

Oh those muscles! With the strength to push into the end zone and the cunning required to meticulously plan the execution of a friend, Aaron is the total package. When this paragon of ultra-masculine ultra-violence holds you in his arms, you don’t know if he’s going to take you by force or tell you to “keep your pretty mouth shut before you end up like Odin.” GA-HUSH.

SQUELCH FACTOR: 29/30

 

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Harry Styles

One Direction lead singer-soaker Harry Styles has a reputation as being the playboy of the group, for pulling practical jokes, and for murdering three schoolmates as a young lad in Cheshire, England. Though acquitted of the crime based on a procedural error during the trial, Styles admitted in a recent interview with Seventeen magazine that he lured the boys into the woods whereupon he “hunted them as though they were the rabbits and I was the coyote.” In that same interview he also admits that he doesn’t have any “moves” with the ladies, and that he’s the “prankster” of the group. Cheeky!

SQUELCH FACTOR: 30/30

David Sharp is Senior Complicated Arousal Reporter for the Whiskey Journal. His poetry chapbook Death Erotic is now on sale.

Featured photo courtesy of Aaron Frutman