Holy Shit, I’m In The Tub

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By A Cat

OH FUCK WHAT I’M IN THE GODDAMN TUB 

Oh my God, oh wow, I have no clue what I’m supposed to do here. I am in the tub. Like, all the way in. Understand? Do you fucking get it? The tub! And here I am, right up in it!

My mind is basically a smear right now, shit’s going lightspeed and I can’t even fathom. Here I was, doing my own thing, and I decided, “hey, time to jump into the tub.” We’ve all been there, nothing about that plan too out of the ordinary. Figured I’d jump in the tub and then be asleep or something, that is usually what happens after I do stuff. Little did I know that once I jumped in the tub I’d be in the motherfucking tub I mean holy fuck I did not see that coming

Seriously I have been jerking around and yowling for probably a million years at this point, I am not very good with time but that seems about the minimum length possible for me to have experienced this quantity of mind-collapsing nightmare sensation, I mean can you fucking blame me do you see where I am right now because oh my god I do and IT IS THE TUB

I mean try to put yourself in my position, you look down and it’s the tub, in front and it’s the tub and to the sides and it’s the tub. And yeah of course you’re going to jump a thousand feet into the air and spin around and let out just the loudest fucking howl, and yeah of course you think you will catch the tub by surprise, except you fucking don’t because, oh shit, it’s the tub

FUCK! Oh God! I forgot I was in the tub! Oh shit! Oh my God I do not know what the fuck to do with this, RED ALERT BITCHES IT’S THE TUB

So I am a pragmatic cat, I know that I’m going to be in the tub for my entire life, that’s pretty much a guarantee, but before I go I want to say that I feel like I didn’t appreciate not being in the tub enough while I could. If I ever get out of here I promise myself I’m going to scream and run down the length of the house a billion times. I owe it to myself after being in the fucking tub, wait, holy shit I just realized I’m in the fucking tub OH MY GOD

As of press time, A Cat is no longer in the tub, but is hanging from the Venetian blinds by one claw.

Image by davedehetre.