Hipsters Run Out Of Past Decades, Focus On The Present Instead


PORTLAND — Hipsters of America announced over the Pitchfork Media Network on Friday they will be enacting a dramatic shift in their standard protocol. The subculture previously obsessed with mining history for its music, fashion and ideologies has finally exhausted all past decades and will now be focusing on the present.

Hipsters have been an important fixture of mankind since the beginning of the existence scene. Recently however, their usually alternative work has completely fused with mainstream pop culture.

On his official tumblr Portland President Fred Armisen wrote: “We’ve run out of ideas. There are no more past decades for us to focus on. We mustn’t look back, or forward. Instead, we must look in the mirror and focus on the now. YOLO.”

The post has recieved over four million tumblr reblogs.

4182293425_9a6aa9da20_o“Twee Poppers” are having a difficult time with the transition. They feel uncomfortable dealing with the present, which for years has been considered the metaphysical territory of “Bros.”

“This aint cool, bro!” responded Bro President Tom Brady, inflaming the already tense relationship between the two communities.

On the verge of starting World War III, President Armisen was forced to speak with President Brady at a brief afternoon press conference.

“We must make a bipartisan effort to live in the moment together as fellow citizens of the world,” stated Armisen, in his best Obama impression.