Hipsters Already Anti-Bernie


CHICAGO — According to a recent report, America’s trendy, young tastemakers appear to have moved on from presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and are looking for someone new and still unpopular to enter the race.

A Gallup poll released today shows a large segment of voters 18-29 who liked Sanders six months ago, when he was virtually unheard of, no longer support the progressive insurgent candidate. Sources inside the Sanders campaign confirm that he is down 80% among voters who try to dress like elderly cartoon characters, drink Pabst, and listen to jazz even though it bothers them.

“It’s a crisis, plain and simple,” said one Sanders staffer who asked to remain anonymous. “The more Bernie wins elections with his message about a rigged economy and an unjust society the more these hipsters jump ship. I don’t get it.”

Rasputin Merriweather, 25, manages a restaurant specializing in rock candy and fried quail in the Logan Square neighborhood, and said he’s known about the Vermont senator since graduating from Middlebury in 2014.

“He gave the commencement that year and I was like ‘Whoa, this guy should be president,’” said Merriweather. “So I interned for him and later helped open his first campaign offices in Iowa. But, you know, I’ve moved on.”

When asked about the sudden change of heart, Merriweather said that as Sanders got more popular he lost interest.

“I think it’s hilarious to see these people wearing Bernie shirts and debating supply-side economics and Citizens United—I wrote songs about that shit on my keytar before it was even popular,” said the rock candy enthusiast. “I bet, though, if someone new entered the race you’d see people like me actually get excited.”

However, Merryweather said now that he’s older and has more refined tastes, he could only see himself voting for some obscure state representative for president, or maybe Neal deGrasse Tyson.

“But then everybody would support Neil and it would be so cliché,” he said.

Young voters have been the bedrock of Sanders’ campaign with an overwhelming turnout that’s helped him win nine primary elections against Hillary Clinton. The Sanders campaign is not only worried about losing the hipster vote, said his staffer, but they also don’t even know how many hipsters are even out there.

“It’s hard to get real numbers on this stuff because at least half of hipsters try to be ironic when they answer polls,” said the staffer. “So we don’t know what they really think.”

Beverly Miller, professor of political science at the University of Illinois, said Sanders has made some mistakes that were sure to alienate young hipsters.

“For one, I was shocked to see Sanders have Vampire Weekend perform at one of his rallies in Iowa,” said Miller. “Those guys are almost as old as he is. So I don’t know who he was trying to impress.”

Miller also said Sanders neglected to time his campaign successfully.

“If he wanted the hipster vote, he should have announced his candidacy in October,” she said.

Andrew Voris hunted quail before it was cool.

Image by youtube and wikimedia.

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Andrew Voris is a writer and stand-up comic who cries at Loretta Lynn songs. His background includes interning for the Illuminati, fish hunting, and painting paintings of George Bush painting. He’s also an ordained minister, and will perform wedding ceremonies for a small donation of $13,000.