OAK PARK, Ill. — The first law of medicine, which urges doctors and other medical practitioners to above all, cause no harm, allowed yet another dipshit to survive a boneheaded injury last night.
Nick Lohens, 24, is in critical condition with a collapsed esophagus after drinking from a fire hydrant draining at high pressure. The entitled nitwit was rushed to the hospital and underwent a lifesaving esphagectomy, in which the damaged part of his dumbass esophagus was removed and unenthusiastically replaced with stomach tissue. The surgeons who operated on Lohens were candid about their uneasiness.
“Honestly, off the clock, I wouldn’t have lifted a finger to save that shithead,” said Dr. Louisa Chang, “I actually feel guilty that I’ve allowed him more time to parade his stupidity around for other people to deal with.”
The medical staff groaned as they fulfilled their professional obligation to heal the wounded douchebag, knowing it was only a short matter of time before the patient’s pitiful need for attention put his friends and family in another uncomfortable and challenging situation.
“I wish he wasn’t on his mom’s insurance so that we could wheel his useless body out of here,” said Nurse Jennifer Shaw, glaring at the embodiment of privilege on the operating table.
Lohens’ friends at the scene of the accident said they tried to dissuade him from putting his mouth around a water-gushing valve, promising that the stunt was not even half as funny or charming as he thought it was. Lohens’ girlfriend admitted in tears that the biggest tragedy was the $71,000 and 80 hours of labor required to heal the insured moron.
The medical staff overseeing Lohens recovery from surgery says it plans to induce a coma before his release, citing his loved-ones’ much needed break from his bravado.
Patrick Reilly was checked in to the hospital last night with a case of self-loathing.