Hip Church Provides Free Coffee, Molly


AUSTIN, Texas — In a concerted effort to reach out to youth culture, it was announced last Sunday that, in addition to contemporary electronic worship music, hip Austin church God’s Hauz is now offering congregation members complimentary coffee, water, and caps of Molly.

“All of us at God’s Hauz are dedicated to keeping our church relevant to the times,” said Pastor Biz, stroking his faux hawk. “Jesus was a radical dude who lived on the edge and hung out with sinners and spread love. Nothing says spreading love and hanging out with sinners quite like free MDMA.”

Their new policy has so far proved successful in attracting young congregation members, who after ingesting the church refreshments express great gratitude for the church community, the concept of community, the concept of concepts, and Jesus’ abs.

“If all churches were like this being Christian would totally be cool again,” said 22-year-old Ani Lud, adjusting her neon green romper. “I just think a lot of churches are bad at showing how chill Jesus was. I mean, we’re all just spiritual star stuff. Jesus was basically a squatter, chilling in our hearts and shit.”

When faced with criticism from neighboring churches, the spiritual leaders of God’s Hauz aptly pointed out that Molly does appear once in the Bible, during that story where Balaam’s donkey was tripping out. Plus, in that story Molly was on God’s side.

“Back in the day serving cookies and coffee and incorporating drums into worship was considered edgy and relevant,” said associate Pastor Hilary Dranke. “Now we have to be more forward-thinking and bring recreational drug use into the temple, let them know the scope of God exceeds their limited scopes of consciousness.”

Due to their successful marketing and rapid growth, God’s Hauz intends to open up a second location in the coming months, this one with more of a Universalist feel offering tabs of acid to each member who tithes.

Bronwyn Isaac wrote this with so much love you wouldn’t even believe how big the kaleidoscope of time is, wow–that’s sweet of you, yeah she loves you too, damn, feelings.

Image by IamJinkikay.