Hillary To Undecided Voters: ‘Fucking Still?!’


NEW YORK — In a press conference this morning following Monday’s Presidential debate, Hillary Clinton directly addressed yet-undecided voters today with rare emotion and unbridled perplexity.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Clinton said. “I haven’t even slept–I’m so jacked on adrenaline–since I mopped every inch of every floor of every classroom at Hofstra University with that dope. I’m not sure what more you dumbasses need to see. Do you have any idea what kind of discipline it took to not laugh right in his fucking face? You know, there was a moment when I thought to myself, ‘How cool would it be if I just turned and spit on him?’ Not in his face or anything, just like on him.”

The Democratic nominee did not mince her words in the minutes-long diatribe against wishy-washy swing staters and her clearly outmatched Republican opponent.

“And what was with the sniffling? It was like he was tattling to the teacher, sobbing between broken sentences and incomplete thoughts. By the way, I almost barfed when he reminded us all that he has a ten-year-old son. Could you imagine that 40-lb head sweating and bobbing on top of you for five minutes, and then you’d have to have his baby? Gross. Dude’s gonna be 100 when that kid is 40. And, by the way, was saying that he has a ten-year-old son that is ‘good at computers’ his answer to cyber security?

“Remember when he had to talk about Rosie-fucking-O’Donnell?! Name me one goddamn Presidential candidate that has ever had to defend shitty statements he made about Rosie-motherfucking-O-goddamn-Donnell. What a dumb dummy. He just kept asking me for bigger and bigger shovels to dig his hole with. The only person, literally the only one, I could understand being undecided is Donald Trump. I wish there were ten more of these things.”

Clinton then dropped a reporter’s microphone on the ground and flashed the peace sign as she sauntered toward her entourage.

The Vice Presidential debate is scheduled for Tuesday, October 4th, with two more Presidential debates after that on October 9th and 19th where Trump is expected to expand on his plans to protect white men and their money.

Ross Kelly is ready to ignore Donald Trump forever.

Image by Gage Skidmore.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.