CHICAGO — After moving into a new one-bedroom apartment in the Uptown neighborhood, Steve Clarkson confirmed that the highest setting on his bedroom ceiling fan is clearly not safe for use.
“I was actually excited to snag an apartment with a ceiling fan,” said Clarkson, “but when I first pulled the string to turn it on the fan started wobbling crazily like it would at any moment unhinge from the ceiling and destroy everything in the world I hold dear.”
Sources close to Clarkson confirmed that selecting the highest setting on the fan was akin to living underneath the hand of a cruel and vengeful god who might at any moment select you at random for slaughter.
“A few of us came over for a housewarming party a few nights ago and Steve wasn’t kidding,” said coworker Rebecca Kramer. “The fan gyrated against the ceiling and made this awful whooshing sound that somehow communicated ‘you are in control of nothing and death is imminent.’ Who could live like that?”
However, one attendant saw nothing wrong with oscillating blades hanging above your head and shaking chaotically with every revolution.
“I guess I just didn’t get the big deal,” said Karl Chandler, a college friend of Clarkson and apparent Übermensch who fears his corporal demise not. “Sure it was flailing about, every peripheral glance at the apparatus filling your body with a shot of terror, but it’s clearly the best option to provide optimum airflow. The manufacturer wouldn’t put out a product where the maximum level wasn’t safe.”
At press time Steve Clarkson was at once too hot to sleep comfortably, but also to fearful to switch his fan to the highest setting fearing that all life on earth would be relegated to dust with the simple click of a chain.
Joshua Murphy suspects that only Steve Miller refers to himself as “the gangster of love.”
Image by Pierecetheorganist