Hershey Scientists Struggle To Control Experimental Dark Matter Chocolate


DERRY TOWNSHIP, Penn. – Following the synthesis an unspeakably dark, volatile confection, scientists announced that Hershey Labs was on permanent lockdown until the delicacy could be brought under control.

“Everything was going according to our recipe’s calculations,” said head scientist Dr. Henry Gauss, “but out of nowhere we reached critical cocoa mass and before we knew it, we’d lost two of our brightest minds in the chocolatey vortex. I can still hear their sweet-tooth satisfied screams when I close my eyes.”

The experiment, which was designed explore the limits of how bitter yet sweet a mass-produced confection could be, and whether it tastes even better with a colorful candy shell, is yet another escalation in the delicious arms race between Hershey, Godiva and Nestlé.

“It’s just too dark!” exclaimed senior technician Lela Wu as she courageously attempted to counter the chocolate’s effects with an eye dropper of undiluted vanilla extract before succumbing to what Hershey medical staff termed “Dark Psychosis.”

At press time, scientists were seen attempting diffuse the volatile compound by flooding the lab’s chamber with black whole milk.

Don Plattner does not meddle with the chocolate forces of which he knows nothing.

Image by IAEA Imagebank.