Headphones No Match For Determined Creep


CHICAGO — What should have been just a typical bus ride to work turned ugly Thursday morning for Wicker Park resident Rachel Davidson following the failure of her headphones to deter a tenacious creep.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt more violated,” stated Davidson. “It’s as though he doesn’t know that wearing headphones in public is the international sign for not wanting to hear about how you should smile more.”

Security camera footage revealed that the situation escalated quickly.

“It all happened so fast,” Davidson reported. “One second I was just sitting there and then, out of nowhere, this Ed Hardy mannequin comes to life, sits down and starts asking me if it hurt when I fell from heaven. I couldn’t tell where the douche shirt stopped and the douche skin started.”

Despite repeatedly pointing to her headphones and shrugging her shoulders Davidson was unable to protect her personal space from being invaded or her nostrils from being filled with the scent of Dark Temptation Axe body spray.

“I’m really not even sure what he was hoping would happen,” Davidson continued. “No couple’s origin story starts with ‘Well I knew your dad was the one for me after his multiple aggressive advances while on the route 72 bus.’”

One eyewitness report suggests that Davidson had this coming to her.

“She didn’t stand a chance,” stated fellow bus rider Don Phillips. “She made the rookie mistake of leaving the seat next to her open and vulnerable for attack. She could have at least put her leg up or given the stink eye. This must have been her first time on the bus.”

Although Davidson was admittedly shaken following the encounter she was able to find a silver lining.

“Yes it sucked but at least I wasn’t hurt physically,” Davidson said. “Sure, emotionally, mentally and spiritually I’m pretty broken but one out of four is not bad.”

Josh Ballew thinks that instead of harassing women men should just do what he does and have sex infrequently.

Image by skohlmann and bionicteaching.