Guy With White Gloves Getting Pretty Good At Cleaning Patrick Kane’s Vomit Out Of Stanley Cup


CHICAGO — The guy with the white gloves who follows the Stanley Cup around everywhere is getting pretty good at cleaning Patrick Kane’s vomit and other bodily fluids out of the prized trophy, sources reported Tuesday morning.

The Cup’s caretaker, Phil Pritchard–the guy with the white gloves, has become familiar with the star right winger’s stomach contents in the past few years and after the Chicago Blackhawks won their third NHL championship in five years last night, Pritchard prepared to face another round of it.

“I’ve seen a lot over the years but Kane vomit is a different beast,” said Pritchard. “It’s not like most other vomits, but this is my third time dealing with it recently. I think I’ve got a pretty good hang of it now.”

The trophy is made of a sturdy silver and nickel alloy which should resist damage from most types of blood, mucus, stomach acids and urine, but Pritchard takes care to act quickly following incidents with the Blackhawks hero.

“I keep various high-grade industrial solvents in my bag so I can spring into action when needed,” Pritchard said. “Which is usually at like 5 a.m. in some alley off Belmont.”

Cole Moser wishes the NBA had some sort of cup trophy and that Nick Van Exel had won a title so he could have used it to party.

Image by intelfreepress.