Guns Don’t Kill People—Whoa, Sorry, I Totally Misunderstood What ‘Guns’ Were


In the wake of yet another massacre, this time in San Bernardino, California, it’s important not to jump to conclusions or rush to politicize this senseless tragedy. This isn’t the time to start another painful national debate about gun control. Remember, guns don’t kill people—whoa, sorry, I just Googled “guns” and, yeah, sorry, I was totally thinking of something else.

Oh man, these are what guns are? Wow, I completely misunderstood the whole concept then! Straight up, I was thinking of those things that open up, that you use when it rains? What are they called? I can’t remember right now, but I guess it isn’t “guns!” Wow! And I was about to say guns don’t kill people! Can you imagine? I’d have looked quite the fool!

Look at these things! Literally all they do is propel little pieces of metal through the air really fast. Huh! Well, obviously those kill people. Who could even argue? I would be hard pressed to find something that was better at killing people! Maybe, like, a bomb, but you can only use those once. Guns, you press the little button thing and everyone in front of you gets killed. You don’t even have to be good at it! You can just kind of wave it around if the place is crowded enough, and yeah, it’s definitely going to kill some people! Gosh, “guns don’t kill people,” ha! What a goof-up!

Oh my God, wow, I had this whole thing planned about how guns shouldn’t bear the brunt of all these massacres, that it wasn’t the guns that were doing it, that it’s wrong to assume that widespread proliferation of guns has anything to do with increased frequency of mass murder, and that we shouldn’t be making it harder to own a gun because of all this. Think of how ridiculous that would’ve sounded! Oh man, I’d never live that down. My friends would be ribbing me ‘til kingdom come, I tell you what. Ah, umbrellas! That’s what they’re called. I was thinking about umbrellas. Brain fart! Ha ha! I got the names mixed up!

I mean, my point still stands. We shouldn’t restrict access to umbrellas because of all these mass shootings, but after that whole fiasco I guess it all just sounds silly! “Guns don’t kill people,” wow! I can’t believe I said that! Egg on my face, right? Ha ha! You have to have a sense of humor.

Tom Harrison is a quiet white man who keeps to himself mostly.

Image by saechang.