Guns Don’t Kill People But Kelly Might


By Brian Dodds

I’m definitely an advocate for guns. It doesn’t matter what the liberal media says about them, I feel the need to defend my Second Amendment rights just as our forefathers did. However, I don’t think that my wife Kelly should legally be allowed to own any guns. I know that it isn’t guns that are killing people, but I’m also terrified that Kelly might kill people. People like me and my family and friends and that she might do it with guns.

Now, dont get me wrong, I’m still the same gun-toting guy I’ve always been! I definitely dont like changing the constitution but you guys dont know Kelly like I do. I’m married to her, I love her, and she is terrifying. Ever since we got married six months ago, I barely sleep because she watches me and whispers “Yes, yes, sleeeeep” as I doze off. I have not slept for more than twenty minutes at a time since our wedding night.

Kelly watches a lot of Snapped, that show where women killed their husbands. Whenever we watch it together–which she insists on–she always turns to me during the commercials and says something like “he had it coming” or “tick tock, Brian.” I’m starting to think she’s talking to me cause I’m Brian!

Like I said, I know that guns aren’t the problem. There are so many responsible gun owners like myself. But if someone like Kelly got ahold of my guns like she hinted she would in the text message I received this morning that was just three gun emojis and a smiling devil face, then people truly might die. If there was a way for President Obama to let everyone in America own guns except for my wife Kelly, then I would be very okay with that.

Again, this isn’t guns‘ fault. Car accidents kill people everyday, but we aren’t taking cars away! However, we probably should take cars away from Kelly because she swerved to hit a deer a week ago and then cackled for the entirety of Adele’s new album. If I get shot to death it will definitely be Kelly’s fault. Please if I die,  accuse my wife. I never thought I would say this but Congress, please help me by restricting guns, cars, knives, poisons, and staircases from my wife Kelly.

Brian Dodds watches a lot of Snapped followed by Doomsday Preppers

Image by dvanzuijlekom.