Grand Jury Finds Darren Wilson Innocent, Helps Him Load U-Haul

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FERGUSON, Mo. — Following their decision to not indict Darren Wilson for killing unarmed teenager Mike Brown this summer, the Ferguson grand jury helped the beleaguered police officer load up his U-Haul for a move out of state.

“Upon reviewing all of the evidence and hearing from dozens of witnesses, we came to the unanimous decision that Darren Wilson acted appropriately when he used lethal force against Mike Brown,” one anonymous grand jury member stated. “Considering all of the turmoil he’s been through, that decision, along with deciding to spend a few hours boxing up his personal items, was an easy one to make.”

After alerting the district attorney that they had opted to not indict Wilson, the grand jury purchased a couple of Hot-N-Ready pizzas from Little Caesar’s and drove to the officer’s residence.

“I texted Darren that it was all good and that we’d be over to help with the couch, his dresser, the rest of the heavy stuff,” said another grand jury member. “I can’t disclose exactly where he’s moving to, but I can say that it’s south of Georgia, so he’ll definitely be able to get another job.”

The officer’s family said that, in addition to relocating, Wilson will be changing his appearance to avoid public scrutiny.

“Darren has decided to grow out his hair and start respecting all human life, that way nobody will recognize him,” said his father, John Wilson.

Besides making sure that his television was securely wrapped in a moving blanket, the grand jury also awarded Wilson with a Swastika Of Innocence, the highest honor for a police officer in St. Louis County.

Ken Barnard wrote this article months ago.

Image by Tom Maynce.